12/18/17
My life is so fucking weird right now. I’ve been on quite a few dates since the break up and I just can’t find myself attracted to anyone.
It’s cool seeing different personalities and whatnot but I often myself comparing these women to you.
But hey, just going through the motions of life. 🤷🏻♂️.
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“Well I️ made the album before 30. I️ JUST AINT PUT THAT BITCH OUT!” -quotes from an interview I️ haven’t given haha
I’m pretty sure I dreamt of you almost everyday this week and the dream I just had hurt the most 😂. Probably a sign, man. I dreamt of you and I lying in bed at a hotel room. I went through your twitter and read, “feels good to like someone again” or some dumb shit like that and you pulled up a picture of the dude you’ve been “talking” to. Wooooo that dream wild. I wasn’t angry. I showed more acceptance than anything.
You know what this means? Gotta move tf on, baby. And I haven’t checked your twitter since Sunday :-)) what I don’t know won’t hurt me 🤷🏻♂️
12.1.17
I am thankful for having friends who’re able to listen to me vent, but let’s be real, I’m an expressive dude. I need an outlet for my emotions and I know it is a daunting task for my friends to listen to me whenever I’m feeling down (which is often). And because of this frequent feeling of depression, I fear that I’ve become a burden to the two people I only ever talk to: Ralph and Veronica. But even though I can be quite much at times, I am endlessly grateful for their efforts of constantly trying to cheer me up.
While I feel like a burden to Ralph and Veronica at times, what puts me at ease is knowing that I have writing. I have writing to formulate these sporadic thoughts. I have writing to vent to, writing to comfort me, writing to relieve me. I don’t have to worry about a reply back or being too emotionally overbearing.
I am so appreciative of this art and the beauty that comes from pain.
Overall: Thank you writing. Thank you Ralph. Thank you Veronica. As of right now, you guys are everything to me. No words can express my gratitude.
The Fuck was I thinking dropping a note off at your place? Should’ve expected nothingness, sigh. My dumbass needa stop writing about this girl.
Ya live and ya learn!
I don’t know a better word to describe myself. I am a broken individual. I am constantly hurting and I just want this heartache to subside.
I was home all. fucking. day. So inevitably I thought of you–I mean, when do I not, right? Being home all day eventually drove me to madness and I was tempted to call you multiple times. Knowing that you are 20-minutes away from me is dangerous. Thankfully I fought the urge to call and resisted, but it took a lot for me to do so. If Jesse hadn’t picked up the phone, then I would’ve done something I definitely would’ve regretted.
Not talking to you has been a breeze, but as soon as I stepped foot in Suisun, that defensive wall I had up immediately crumbled. God, being home sucks. I fought the urge of talking to you so many times and I’m still fighting. Today I broke and drove to your house. I don’t know if that was a bad choice, but I left a note.
It really blows my mind how we’re really done. I am still shocked and I am so upset and all the synonyms correlated with it. When I dropped off the note I was just standing in front of your door step in a trance. The memories we’ve created came rushing to me all at once and I couldn’t help but cry because we’re truly over. I won’t have the opportunity to taste the cherry chapstick on your lips anymore. I won’t have the opportunity to do a lot of things. I stood at your door for a while…the whole situation is flabbergasting.
I hate to admit it, but I just miss you so god damn much and it’s driving me absolutely insane. But I know I can’t have you. I know this isn’t the best thing for us. I know it isn’t the best thing for you.
Sigh
I miss you Jada-Alani. I miss you a lot. I hope you feel the same.
